As I begin to write this, I will do my best to make it positive, because that’s the way I want you to read the contents of today’s post.

I scribbled this down one day last week, I’m not sure what triggered it? I haven’t been down at all over that last few weeks so it must have been one of those fleeting moments. I am fully cognizant that those moments are normal, healthy, expected etc. , they are just the inevitable bump in the road. I also am aware that the key is to remain aware of them and work through them and keep the highs higher than the lows are low. Mary and I have done a great job so far (sorry for the pat on the back) but again, this was just a brief interlude for me.

We have all heard the adage “we all have to go sometime”. Well, for whatever reason this is what was going though my mind at the time.

It’s inevitable, we all go sometime
We live our lives, day to day,
knowing that “that” day, is many years ahead.

My death is now much more certain,
while yours remains,….forever probable.

Let me remind you of my comments above, I am not depressed, not even close! This again was a fleeting thought that I just happened to capture. I still have FAITH and HOPE and am blessed with your LOVE to help me WIN this battle!

Not much to update today, I’m just looking forward to a beautiful Mother’s day weekend.
Mary is the best, yes it’s sappy but she is “the wind beneath my wings”. I hope she likes her little gift from Tiffany’s!!!! The best to all you other mother’s on your special day!!!

[Please direct a few prayers the way of S.P., she came down with meningitis last weekend. She is doing better but will not get released from the hospital until tomorrow or Tuesday.]

Friday was rainy, but in this case, unlike to song, it could not get us down…….I was offered a job! Now it’s Monday, again we’re not down, I’m about to make a phone call accepting the position!!

The position is with Sprint and yes that has risk being they are about to merge with Nextel. In this case, the role is in the local group which will be spun off into a stand alone company, post merger. This position is a project manager responsible for introducing new products and features into homes. (more specifically enhanced voicemail, phone books, customized family plans etc.)

Needless to say, it was a good weekend in the Emerson home. We had visitors in town for Brad’s first communion so it was a busy, busy last few days. I had forgotten how special and important an event this is for an eight year old (and his parents).
Brad has been talking aout this for years, no more sitting in the pew while we go. In the hustle and bustle of getting ready on Saturday we did not have time to practice with wine at home (highly recommended). So before we went I told him just to wet his lips. Apparently, the person holding the cup tilted it just a little too much and he ended up with a mouth full! It was classic Brad again! We are so proud of him and all of his classmates. It was a wonderful day!

So, the good news is the pressure is off in at least one area! It looks like I will start on May 16th, so I’ve got a few more days to try to complete my “honey do” list!

Book recommendation: “Tuesday with Morrie”. I just finished it last night and it is a great book. I’ll probably start quoting Morrie in here from time to time. And yes, on the surface it is a book about a man dying, but it is so much more than that, it a book about living, and people, and family, and love!

[footnote} Today is the three month anniversary of my blog. I have not re-read it for some time, it makes me cry. I have always been a very even tempered person and have wondered if that has allowed me to deal with this situation relatively calmly. I don’t get too high on the good news or too low with the bad. Pretty much, I just keep on, keeping on.

I have received many comments both in person and in email regarding how strong I am being. At the same time I also get the rhetorical question “I don’t know how you do it’. To be honest, I am not sure? The best analogy is the proverbial fork in the road….go one way and let this consume me, take the other road and fight, remain positive and find the path to winning. The choice was easy, the journey is not.

Though a lot of the battle is in my heart, my soul, my mind I would be struggling to win the battle without those of you who read this and provide support to Mary and me. It is with that thought that I submit this for your review, it is from the inaugural Mass of Pope Benedict XVI.

“And now at this moment, weak servant of God that I am, I must assume this enormous task, which truly exceeds all human capacity. How can I do this?…All of you, dear friends, have just invoked the entire host of saints, represented by some of the great names in the history of God’s dealing with mankind. In this way, I too can say with renewed conviction: I am not alone. I do not have to carry alone what in truth I could never carry alone. All the saints of God are there to protect me, to sustain me and to carry me. And your prayers, my dear friends, your indulgence, your love, your faith and your hope accompany me.”

Words mean things…..it’s funny, maybe ironic, maybe some fate mixed in there? Those three words keep surfacing “Faith, Love and Hope”…..

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I met with an attorney today and began the process of establishing an official non-profit (501.3c). Once the application is submitted all donations are tax deductible. The application will be filed in about 7-10 days and IRS approval takes 60-90 days. Next steps are for me to put together a board of directors and continue the work on the website (www.flhw.org). Stay tuned for big things…..I truly believe this is the “why”.

In addition to mentioning it here, I’ve told many of you about my daily breakfast smoothie….
well…here is the recipe, (but being me, I have to add a few comments first!).
– this is extremely easy to make, it only takes a minute
– it is VERY filling, in fact it is all I have until lunch
– it does require a little prep work – buying and slicing strawberries, making sure you have all the ingredients in the house and peeling the bananas and having them stored in the freezer so they are frozen when you are ready to make your smoothie.
A frozen peeled banana will last for a long time and sliced, refrigerated strawberries for 5-6 days depending on how ripe they are when sliced. The flax seed oil is optional, we add it because we cut red meat out of our diet and this adds back protein and a few other key nutrients.

DAVID’s POWER SMOOTHIE!
Ingredients:
6 T Dannon no fat vanilla or strawberry yogurt
1 cup blueberries
1 cup sliced strawberries
8 ounces pomegranate juice
2 Scoops of powdered Iso-Soy (Vanilla)
1 frozen banana

Directions:
1. Put strawberries and blueberries in blender
2. Add yogurt, Iso-Soy and juice
3. Blend on low setting for 30 – 40 seconds
4. While blending, cut frozen banana into small pieces and add through the top of the lid. (Speaking from experience, if you remove the entire lid while blending, you have a smoothie clean up project in the kitchen!)
5. After all banana pieces are added, switch setting to high for 30 seconds.Enjoy!!!!!

Yield:
aprox 20oz
Calories 456, Carbs 81, Fat 5.8, Fiber 21.6, Protein 41.9

We turned a corner over the past 48 hours….

1) We realized and agree that things are no worse off than before we went to Houston. Yes, it is hard but we vow to take this a day at a time, go step by step (insert in your own cliché here), etc.

2) I had an interview today and another on Monday, YEAH!

3) Insurance again, is not an issue. Everything will switch over to Mary’s coverage on May 1st. I spoke with them yesterday and referrals etc are taken care of and we are set to go.

4) We met with my urologist (Dr. Brad Davis) today. I have spoke of him in past entries, I can not say enough about him. He and his nurse (Mel) are truly remarkable caregivers! I feel blessed that I was referred to their care. Dr. Davis agreed with our decision to leave Houston and not participate in the study. He is pleased with the progress of the current treatment and was optimistic that we are on the right path. (By the way, Lance Armstrong walked out of MD Anderson – I am sure it is a fine institution and it’s reputation is impeccable, just no “Love Connection” for us). Dr. Davis instills a lot of hope in both of us. We realize that this is the mother of all battles, but he just leaves us feeling confident that we will make it, we can “WIN” with Faith, Love and Hope (good meds, strict diet and consisten exercise regimen. He again said we could go years and years (3, 7, …?) on this medication and new disoveries are made daily. You just never know!

5) I have an appointment on May 2nd with the general oncologist that Dr. Davis had recommended. Just an initial consultation to make sure he too agrees with our battle plan.

6) The night before last Brad had a nightmare, something that rarely happens with him. Last night he was acting a little abnormal, just kind of moody. When Mary asked him what was the matter he broke down in tears and said “Dad could die!”. After she calmed him down he was much better. He was much better today and had the day off school. I took him with me to the barber shop and on the way home we broke the law and I let him ride in the front seat. I asked him about last night and we talked about what was going on. I told him that first he didn’t need to worry about something happening to me immediately. I assured him it would be years before (and if) things got worse. Also, when they did get worse, that is when I would need the “tough medicine”. After the “tough medicine”, it “could” be several more years. I also explained that in all that time there could be a doctor or scientist that discovers something to make me better. His reply was, and this is classic Brad, “So it could be 10 years from now?”, I told him that was possible as long as I take my medicine, eat right, exercise and we all keep praying. He said “10 years”, I’ll be out of high school and be living in Texas, that’s fine!” (it’s a long story about moving to Texas…) Anyway, I haven’t laughed so hard in quite a while….classic Bradley!

So…the weekend is here, it’s a movie tonight (Oceans 12), disc golf at 7:30am, more painting (almost done), two soccer games tomorrow and one on Sunday, Mass, mow the grass, clean the carpets……just a “normal” weekend!

[New Music on the iPod] Keb Mo – Slowdown. I’ve actually owned this for about 4 years, great blues album. Not in the classic blues sense, more along the lines of Robert Cray etc.

Enjoy – Peace be with all of you!

The sun did come up today……

I dropped Brad at school and then stayed for Mass. It was unbelievably difficult to restrain myself from losing it right there in the pew.
Something Fr. Bill said that hit close to home (paraphrasing)….. “Love is the satisfaction you feel when you help someone else”. Though not always forefront in my thoughts and actions, in my adult life this is what I have tried to do most of the time. Now I need help from others, doctors, researchers and a cure that doesn’t exist today…..in the mean time I pray for the strength to get through each day as chaos swirls around me.

At the end of Mass the kids always sing a song and use their arms to act out the words….I couldn’t look at Brad, I can’t really think about it now without crying……

I spoke with Fr. Bill briefly after Mass and brought him up to speed on Houston, and then I mentioned the job situation. His response was “Oh my God!”. I guess when you’re your Priest mentions the Lord by name, things are pretty bad!

Don’t let the commercials fools you, Monster.com and other internet jobs sites are not a good place to find a job, at least not in Kansas City.

Have you ever heard Diana Krall’s rendition of Billy Joel’s “Just The Way You Are”? It’s intriguing how music effects you differently in different situations, times, moods etc.. I want to remember everything I have learned and everything I have felt over the past two months, but turn the clock back to before I was diagnosed or better yet rid my body of this filth…. and keep things just they way they are….

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St. Peregrine is the patron saint of cancer patients. His feast day is coming up, May 1st.

Prayer to Saint Peregrine

O great St. Peregrine, you have been called “The Mighty,” “The Wonder-Worker,” because of the numerous miracles which you have obtained from God for those who have had recourse to you. For so many years you bore in your own flesh this cancerous disease that destroys the very fiber of our being, and who had recourse to

The source of all grace when the power of man could do no more. You were favored with the vision of Jesus coming down from His Cross to heal your affliction. Ask of God and Our Lady, the cure of the sick whom we entrust to you.

(Pause here and silently recall the names of the sick for whom you are praying)

Aided in this way by your powerful intercession, we shall sing to God, now and for all eternity, a song of gratitude for His great goodness and mercy. Amen.

We returned home Monday night…no, this is not good news.

At this point in time, there is no cure for Prostate Cancer that has metasticized to the bone. It’s not good, there is not much else to say, details of the trip are below.

Maybe I put too much hope in going down there? My expectations were too high? I’m not sure what I was expecting, good news? A cure? Regardless of what I wanted, what I got was devastating at best. The bottom line is this – there is no cure (at this time).

From Houston:
After what seemed to be a million forms, we went in to see Dr. Mathew at about 9:15. We spoke with his nurse, and he finally came in at 9:45 or so. We talked, he reviewed the x-rays and CAT Scan results I had taken in KC in early February. The CAT scan did not reveal anything new but the bone scan clarified where the cancer had spread. Though it is not in my knees, it is in my hips, pelvis, neck and throughout my spine.
The lab at Anderson modified my Gleason score (indication of how advanced the cancer is in the tumor) from a 7 and 8 to a 7 and 7. (1 being a normal cell, 10 being the most advanced cancer possible.)

After this, then he laid out the options;

Option 1: Countinue the medication I am on and add one additional medicine to fight the bone issues and possible onset of osteoperosis……and wait. Wait until a time when my PSA score begins to increase. The PSA will eventually begin to rise when the cancer finds a way around the hormone blocker. It could be 2,3,4 years or more. At that point the cancer will begin to grow in spite of the drugs. At that time a decision will be made as to the most effective drug protocal to pursue, either chemo, experimental or a combination. Once again, this is not expected to result in a cure, it is hopeful it will extend my lifespan and maintain a good quality of life.

Option 2: MD Anderson is conducting a study in which the second treatment I mentioned above is started earlier in the timeline. The study combines two additional FDA appproved radiation/chemo treaments. It is “hoped” that this will show improvment in duration of life. I could go on more, but the bottom line is that with this option I would compromise my current quality of life, suffer physically, and quite possibly emotionally. Additionally, I would be required to travel to Houston monthly, and in the short term, with very little evidence (in fact virtually no evidence) that it would be beneficial to me personally. (The release form for the study iterlly states “you are highly likely to see no improvements in your condition”).

The issue is this, as I understand it, with cancers like Leukemia, or tumor based cancer, chemo can be administered and it will basically travel through the blood stream to the marrow or tumor and attack the cancer. In this case Prostate Cancer that has metasticized to the bone is different. Blood does not travel through the exterior of the bone and in the joint, so chemo has very little effect on the areas infected.

It did not take us long to chose, we chose #1.
If they had offered a new experimental drug that had shown some signs of hope we might have taken a gamble, but in this case there was very little hope of benefit to me and my condition. That might be selfish, but the impact to our quality of life would have been immediate. We believe it will be better to continue on our current path and deal with chemo (or chemo like treament) in a few years. Who knows, maybe there will be something else available at that time? The Doctor was very impressed with our dedication to better diet/nutrition and commitment to exercise. We are hopeful that this will have an additional positive impact to my ability to fight this cancer.

There was one piece of good news. While we were there they took another blood test…my PSA level was….2.1!!! This was an improvement of 33% in 10 days. Very good news!

Next steps:

1) Friday we go back to see my local urologist, Dr. Brad Davis. We will be discussing our trip with him and our decision to proceed with Option 1. Dr. Davis completed his fellowship at Sloan-Kettering in New York. We intend to ask him pursue possible options through this facility. If he finds there are possibilities, we will arrange to pursue any viable treatment options that are identified.

2) I have a long list of things to keep me busy here, painting, yard work etc.

3) I begin the job search at once.

4) Continue to research additional experimental treatments.

5) Pray and pray and pray………

We’re here, it’s late, we’re both tired and we have to be ready for the shuttle
at 7:15. We didn’t have time to do anything except drive to the hotel, check in, eat at Olive Garden (sorry Don L., it was that or Taco Chino) and we grab some groceries at the Kroger right next to the hotel.

In closing, I have to send a thanks to all for the many, many, many prayers. I feel the power all the way here in Texas! Keep them flowing, we love you all very much….stay tuned!

Do you know anyone that is hiring?
I am serious, yes just what I needed in the midst of all of this is a pink slip.
I completely understand the reasoning and expect the company I was working for is on it’s last leg.

So, if you know of someone or some company looking for a trimmed down 42 year old battling Prostate Cancer, let me know!