There are two times during the day/week that are hard for me to fight back emotions; at Mass and during my commute back and forth to work.

With the former, I get through it but it is particularly hard during communion. When my mom passed away two years ago I vowed to forever participate in both “the body and blood” in her honor. It’s not a requirement of the church to always take the blood, but again I felt it was something I would do for her. I’m not sure how my priest would feel about that?

My mother was raised Catholic and converted to Lutheranism when she married my father. I was the opposite and was raised Lutheran and converted to Catholicism after Mary and I were married. I understand a little of what she sacrificed, this part of Mass is a struggle some weeks. Also, when I pray after communion is it selfish of me to now pray for myself?

Commuting is a completely opposite experience. Where Mass is the “Faith” aspect, commuting is the “Hope” aspect. If idle, my mind wanders and wonders about what lies ahead, this tends to spiral out of control and so I started listening to music almost exclusively during my commute. Most of the time the music helps me look beyond the next 6-12 months, to the “survivor” stage.

As I have mentioned before I am currently in a rut with Kenny Chesney’s most recent album. Most of the songs are about escaping to “the island life”, getting away etc. I want to go “there” when this is over. Actually I’d really like to go there now with Mary and sit on the beach and watch sunsets, and walk in the surf, and swim in the ocean…..but only if the salt water would wash away this nightmare………we’re going there when this is over, I have no doubts!

WITHOUT COMMENT: Today it has been one month since it was confirmed that I have Prostate Cancer…..

On a happier note, we received our first order for bracelets! Click on the link to your left, print the form and mail today! Or click here
Yes, forever the salesman……

After two of the three previous Friday’s brought devastating news, this Friday was differnet…..Hello Texas!

Our insurance company left a message on Friday that we have been approved to go to MD Anderson in Houston! We don’t have the details on time frames etc but we have began placing phone calls already this morning.

On a more somber note, I’m not sure where to start with the thank you? So many people have already offered love, support, prayers and offers of assistance. Even though life is relatively normal on a day to day basis at this point, I cannot put into words how reassuring it is to know that you are all there. This summer is sure to very stressful and to know that we won’t have to sweat the little things in unbelievably comforting.

Life has returned to “normalcy”, as much as that is possible right now. As I have mentioned previously, we are in a wait and see mode right now.

The medications are doing their thing and we are waiting for a response from our insurance carrier regarding going to MD Anderson for consultation and possible treatment. We are almost 100% sure that we’ll go regardless, we just need wait for this answer first.

The bracelets have been ordered, they should arrive in 3-4 weeks, we’re going to sell them for $2.00. The goal is to recoup the investment, fund the production of another 1,000 AND make a donation of about $500 to the Prostate Cancer Foundation. After that, the next donation will be larger and we’ll order more and so on……
The color is sort of royal blue and they will be embossed with “FAITH – LOVE – HOPE – WIN“
Stay tuned…..

The frequency of my updates will likely taper off for a while as there is just not a lot happening right now.

Perhaps this is happening to early in this whole process but I am totally at ease now with what is happening.?! I know that the days a weeks ahead are going to be tough, but perhaps because the real “nasty” part is not likely to begin for several months, the anxiety of last weekend is gone.

We have this wonderful support group around us; family, friends, neighbors, co-workers, former co-workers and total strangers!
So, no side effects from the Lupron yet, no hot-flashes etc. I am experiencing slight (emphasis on slight) discomfort in my left leg and lower back. Advil is more than enough to help at this point.

Still working on the bracelets, should have an answer next week.

I just returned to the office after meeting with Dr. Davis. Mary and I went in petrified, expecting to go through 2-3 boxes of Kleenex etc. It was nothing like that at all. God I wish he hadn’t been out of town and this meeting could have taken place last week!

The prognosis is still the same; the Prostate Cancer is Stage D2 (it doesn’t get much worse) and it has spread. The lymph nodes only show one small area about the size of a pencil easer. The bone structure involves most of my left leg and hip, right hip, lower back and pelvic area. Though that is a lot to swallow Dr. Davis was very positive about the whole thing and Mary and I didn’t shed a tear between us.

Here is the outlook and next steps:
We start with LHRH Therapy. This involves two steps that will completely shut off the production of testosterone in my body.
– I already started taking Casodex and will continue to do so indefinitely.
– Friday afternoon he will inject me with Lupron
By doing this it will also stop the spread of the cancer cells. He will test my PSA level again in 6 weeks and then 6 weeks later. The desired outcome is my PSA level goes from its current level of over 200 to back to 0 (or as low as possible).

At that point chemotherapy or some other more advanced treatment would begin. He recommend two local doctors and also said going to MD Anderson in Houston should be considered. Those decisions are all going to have to be balanced based on insurance coverage and what it would cost out of pocket. Mary’s already on the phone making calls! We’ll figure it out……

It was kind of strange in that he never talked “percentages” until the end. He said he doesn’t believe in that for two reasons; every case is different and if he were to tell us (for example only) that I had a 25% chance it would just demoralize us. We couldn’t agree more!! What’s to say I’m not one of x% to beat this thing? He also added that the problem with using those kind of number is I get grouped with men 10, 20, 30 years older than me in much worse situations, it just skews the outcome. We’re glad the meeting went this way, the situation is VERY serious but there is hope. We don’t care what that percentage is, we are going to find a way to beat this a get on with out lives together for many, many years!

We have so many things in our corner that others don’t! (in no particular order of importance):
– my age
– the fact that I’m a good physical health (has he seen my abs?)
– the fact we know we have to change our diet and have already started (I have lost 10 lbs already)
– our positive attitude
– a wonderful support group
– our faith

If you’ve never seen the movie “The Shawshank Redemption”, rent it soon. Andy Dufresne, Tim Robbins character has two of the more memorable lines that are very apropos right now. The first is:
“…hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things. And no good thing ever dies.”

The other is this:
“Get busy living, or get busy dying.”

I CHOOSE THE FORMER!

I spoke with Dr. Davis’ nurse yesterday. She was very apologetic about the whole situation last week and explained that things were not supposed to happen as they did. We put that behind us and now we move on.

She went over the test results again and confirmed what I have already reported that the cancer has spread. She let me know that Dr. Davis had left a prescription for Casodex and that I should begin taking immediately. I had my first pill last night and I’m feeling more feminine than ever! Casodex is basically estrogen which will shut down the prostate and production of testosterone and the further spread of the cancer cells. Tomorrow Dr. Davis will give a shot with a more concentrated type of estrogen and further the effects on the prostate.

She did say that he will also refer my to a more general Oncologist to treat the bone and lymph node problems. I asked her what they generally do to treat those symptoms and she confirmed that chemotherapy will be the next step. These treatments will begin almost immediately. For some reason, this does not frighten me?

At this point Mary and I are approaching this knowing that the road ahead is sure to be rough but in the end we will beat this like all the other obstacles in our life together. Our support group is strong, deep and wide and growing everyday.

My new battle cry: FAITH – LOVE – HOPE – WIN

I want to make a difference and make it easier for others to fight them same fight. So what we are thinking about doing is having rubber bracelets made (like the yellow Lance Armstrong ones). These would be blue and be embossed with “FAITH – LOVE – HOPE – WIN”. I found a few suppliers and can get them for around $1.00 each. The plan would be to sell them for $5.00 and donate the proceeds to the Prostate Cancer Foundation. What we would then do is sell them to friends family etc. either (1) at cost and have you collect what they can and donate it or (2) sell them for $5 and collect the $ and make the donation ourselves. For anyone reading this, what are you thoughts?

Just another day……..

Like an anvil being dropped on my head, I received the news. My primary care physician and one of Dr. Davis partners called me on Friday. The cancer has spread and is in both my lymph nodes and bone structure.

We have an appointment at noon on Wednesday with Dr. Davis to discuss all of the details and the path we take from here.

The last 72 hours have been surreal. I find myself at times with this feeling that this is a nightmare and I can’t wake up, or that I am living this through someone else’s body. It is a very strange feeling. Mary and I have tried to just stay busy. It helps because then an hour or two, or three go by. Once they are over though, reality creeps back in.

Friday, I made it through work and headed home. We immediately went to our church for a fish fry. While there our Priest, Fr. Bill, took Mary and I aside and anointed me. It was very unexpected, quite touching and much appreciated. After that we went to her sister and brother in-laws, stayed distracted for a few hours and went home. We got Brad to bed and then something that we both knew was coming happened, we broke down in each others arms. Neither of us slept real well, it was a horrible night.

As much as we both want to remain positive, the “what if’s” are right there below the surface.

Saturday I had breakfast with two great friends and because of the rain we skipped disc golf. After that I went home and tried to stay busy all day. Did our taxes (almost completed), took Brad to his basketball game and went bowling. We got home after 10, we’re exhausted and slept fairly well considering. Sunday we had breakfast , went to Church and then the three of us went to a wonderful park and walked through the woods for over on hour. Mary is not an “outdoors’ women” I really appreciate her sucking it up and going with us!

And so here I am, it’s Monday and I pray that the distraction of work will help the next three days go by quickly.

Having grown either impatient or worried I called the doctor’s office yesterday at 4:45pm. I asked to speak with either Dr. Davis or his nurse. I was shocked when the woman who answered the phone informed me that no the doctor was not in has was out of the office until next Wednesday! Six days later! I won’t provide all the details of the conversation that followed but lets just say it wasn’t pleasant. The conversation ended with me basically insisting that one of the other doctors in the practice call me today. I’m not holding my breadth.
[note to Dr. Davis, if we are going to have to work together to beat this, you haven’t started off on a good note!]

I left the office a few minutes later, out on my headphones and proceeded to listen the new Kenny Chesney CD while calming my mind and thoughts in traffic. (even if you aren’t a country music fan, this is good stuff. It’s not stereotypical “it got drunk on whiskey, kicked my dog” etc….this musician has definitely been influenced by Jamaican steel drums and the “island life”. There are a few qwerky songs (Key Lime Pie??) but the best song in my opinion is “Boston”).

So I did my best to think of other things but then I began to remember almost word for word the conversation I had with Dr. Davis last Friday, the 11th. After dropping the bad news in my lap I specifically asked him “What’s next, how long before we begin doing something about this, I’ve been dealing with different symptoms since December and I’m ready to do something about this….”. His response was very clear; I would get a CAT scan and bone scan early this week and 2-3 days later he would have the results and the we would decide on which path to take. I asked “So by this time next week we should be ready” and he replied [I distinctly remember this] “I have already asked my nurse at the College Park office to schedule your tests ASAP, if you don’t hear from her Monday by 10 call her. The tests results usually take 2 to 3 days to get to us but ask them to send the results ASAP and I should recieve them in 24-48 hours”.

I understand the man needs to take time off etc. but to leave me hanging, without instructions for someone, anyone in his office on my situation is beyond me? Screw me once, shame on you. Screw me twice, shame on me. [there will not be a “twice”]

I just called the facility that did the testing, my reports were sent to the doctor on Wednesday!