Every month we go through the same thing, blood tests, meet with doctors, infusions, etc. What I haven’t been sharing a lot of is the anticipation, worry, etc. Between the time the lab sticks my arm and draws a sample of blood to the moment the words that contain the PSA number actually cross the nurses lips, can be an eternity of worry, doubts and prayers. This can range from twenty four to forty eight hours. One to two days of hell!

I would bet I said one hundred “Hail Mary’s” since the weekend. If you don’t believe in the power of prayer, I can’t explain it to you. I sometimes (but rarely) ask for a cure. Mostly, I ask for good test results, and time, more precious time. We know that chemo will come, but I pray each month that it’s time has not yet come. Not to be repetitive, but I’m not scared of the process or procedure, BRING IT ON! What scares me is that starting chemo takes me one step closer to ___?

Now that I’ve drawn you in, here are the results from yesterday [drum roll…..]: 18.90 !!!!
Here is a re-cap of the last twelve months:

Date PSA
1/8/07 18.90
12/11/06 24.86
11/13/06 43.61
10/16/06 51.48 (Started Ketoconazole and Hydrocortisone, 10/01)
9/11/06 83.97 (started Zometa)
8/23/06 41.77
8/18/06 54.66
5/19/06 11.37 (stopped Casodex)
4/3/06 4.25
3/5/06 1.45
1/27/06 0.44
12/28/05 1.85

Timing is everything in life and in blogging!

In my last post I rhetorically asked “What ever happened to R.E.M.?”
Then yesterday, what do you know, they get elected into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame!!

Woo-hoo!!!

Yesterday I had my monthly check-up, blood draw and 4mg infusion of Zometa (treatment #5). Nothing to report right now, the PSA results won’t be back until Wednesday. I am still feeling great, except for this mild discomfort in my neck and upper back. It didn’t start until I returned to work and it is not persistent (I haven’t even reached for the Advil!). I think it is related to the concrete floors at work. For now we are just keeping tabs on it.

Winter apparently is going to visit us again this weekend, they are predicting twenty degree temperatures and ice! Not sure about the rest of the country, but in Kansas City the weather people get way to excited about this stuff!!

I myself, am already looking forward to Spring!

Over the holidays I rediscovered an old friend. It must have been ten years or more since we were together on a regular basis. We were close. I speak of the band R.E.M. What ever happened to them? I’m sure they are still out there. I still like their older stuff from the late 80’s.

To the best of my recollection, I owned the album ‘Document’ three times. Once on a tape I wore out, and twice on CD. There it was, along with the album ‘Monster’, hidden away in our infrequently used sixty CD changer. I ripped both to our PC and transferred to my iPod. At this point I think I’ve listened to it three times through.

Daysleeper, Losing My Religion, Can’t Get There From Here…and on, and on.

I think it’s the ability of this music in particular to take me back to a time in life. A time with less responsibility, pressure, worries, cancer. Music can be a temporary escape from reality….

And so I conclude blog entry number two hundred with these thoughts; What lies ahead? What will happen to me? How long will the good news continue? When will things change? How hard will the battle be?

I hope most of these questions remain unanswered for a long, long time.

With the next installment of my blog, I will reach two hundred entries. This doesn’t sound like much, but two hundred entries in twenty three months, this equates to about ten per month or one every three days. Wow, I never thought I’d have so much to say about any subject!

It’s been a long road but the road that lies ahead is sure to be both longer and at times bumpier! Two years ago Mary and I were clueless and petrified. Now, well I’m not sure how to describe it? Content? At peace? Accepting? I’m not sure? As I’ve said before, it is what it is. We just go day to day, not too much worrying, not too much thinking far ahead.

My next meeting with the doctor, PSA test and Zometa treatment is Monday. Time is flying by!Perhaps it was the holidays, but it seems like it was just November! I still feel great, no changes in my health. We are praying for another drop in my PSA number.

Just a quick note to kick off the new year.

I wish you all a healthy, happy new year~!

Remember good old Clarence from “It’s a Wonderful Life.”?

I started creating a binder the other night to hold notes from Doctor appointments, medical bills, PSA reports, etc. Nothing like waiting two years to get organized!

As I was going through some of the notes it made me realize how far we have come! Hand written notes “PSA = prostate specific antigen”. There were a number of notes that were similar, phrases etc. we wrote down at the time that now we are ‘experts’ on. Hormone Treatment, why surgery is not an option, radiation etc. A strange, somewhat eerie flashback at times.

The most startling note was perhaps the shortest. It was in my handwriting, written with a Sharpie [I couldn’t find anything else to write with in the conference room I made the call from]. It was from the day I was told the MRI and Bone scan test results (February 18, 2005), it simply said “Confirmed, it’s cancer”. As I read this the other night I immediately thought “Did I really need to write this down?” Funny how the mind works….

This post is not intended to be a downer. Just the opposite! It’s a follow up to my last and the fact that you never know what lies around the next turn! As I reflected on some of the notes I told Mary later it’s amazing how far we have come when dealing with this situation. My PSA number is over three times worse than last year yet I feel 110% better about where we are and what happens next! We have come so far and we have a long road ahead, a journey I look forward to for the most part!

Peace be with you all and Merry, Merry Christmas!!!

I just re-read my blog from last year at this time, wow what a difference a year makes!!!

Last year my PSA was 7.18 and the thoughts of chemo danced in our heads.
It was an non-eventful Christmas in the Emerson house. Mary and I just went through the motions. It was a scary, stressful few weeks. By early January it was the beginning of a new year and life was so different! This year, my number is MUCH higher yet I find myself calm, relaxed, peaceful, thankful.

The situation from last year is a perfect insight into how I live my life in general and how I’ve gotten through this ordeal so far. Don’t get to stressed by the situation at hand, you never know what tomorrow brings?

It’s Hope – The answer to a prayer, the birth of the Christ child, a cure for cancer! You just never know what lies ahead!

OK, you get where I’m going….the new number is in:

24.86

Almost half again of last month’s 43!!!

Happy Freakin’ Holidays!!

(I found some time tonight to post some pictures of the golf tournament. Click here)

I don’t spend a lot of time in this forum discussing her. Why? Maybe that topic and the immediate feelings and emotions that surface hit just a little to close to home?

What can I say, I found, courted, married and remain devoted to my perfect match. Braggadocio aside, I know this doesn’t happen very often these days, I realize how lucky we are. We are not perfect, we have flaws like everyone but she is clearly the ying to my yang.

Have I told you she is by my side for every doctor appointment? Yesterday I had my monthly blood draw, Oncologist appointment and Zometa treatment. There she was, as beautiful as ever. Always positive, always encouraging me, always hoping for the best results.

I can only guess what this does to her? The constant worry, pressure, what’s next, what if’s etc. Everyday I thank God for bringing her into my life, where would I be without her? How the hell would I get through this alone?

Several times during this ordeal we have had what I’ll refer to as our “reality” talk. A dreaded discussion where we finally verbalize the “what if’s?”. You can only imagine the emotions that pour out. When it’s over however, it feels good. We are human we have to release from time to time. I feel another one coming at some point over the holidays. However, who knows? When I get my PSA number today or tomorrow, if it’s down again or stable, maybe we will glide through the holidays?

She is my angel,
She is my life.
She is my strength,
She is my power.
She is my reason,
She is my everything.