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Exposing myself…..emotionally

Today I took a leap of faith, an opportunity that in the past, I probably would not have dared to take. I spent two 50 minute sessions on the phone with a group of high school students discussing death, dying, cancer, et al.

My brother-in-law’s brother (Andy) teaches a class on death and dying at St. Joseph Academy in St. Louis. In addition to reading “Tuesday’s with Morrie” they were assigned to read my blog. They also were asked to submit a list of questions to Andy beforehand. I wish I would have seen them as well, they were tough!

I had no reason to be apprehensive when Andy asked me if I would be interested is doing this, after all, most of the time I like to talk about my situation, it’s almost therapeutic. What I should have thought through more was the type and range of questions they might ask me. I don’t want to give you the impression the event turned out bad or was extremely difficult, it was just a little emotional at times (thank goodness the video hook up wouldn’t work and we resorted to just an audio conference call!!!). I was envious (and told them so) that at their age they were discussing, learning, researching a topic like this. I wish I had done this in when I was in high school.

There were a lot of questions, so many I can’t remember them all. Their questions were awesome, very well thought out, here are a few (and what little I remember saying);

– If I could go back, would I change anything in my life?
[Be a better student in high school. Take it more seriously, apply myself, party less. I also added that I am a firm believe in fate and that God has a plan for us all, so if going back and changing things altered my path and meant I would not have have met Mary, etc. than I would do it all over again the same exact way.]

– If I was rich, if I had all the money I wanted right now, what would I do with it?
[Two answers, one selfish, one not: I’d give as much as possible to cancer research, not expecting it to find a cure for me, or address my situation but to make sure in the future there is more hope for others. I’d take Mary and Brad to Europe the day school got out and travel the entire summer. No agenda other than a list of countries to visit].

– How do I stay so positive and how would I advise others dealing with similar situations to remain positive?
[As I have said here before, when faced with this everyone has a choice, we chose the road of HOPE. I also said that a person needs to find faith or turn to it. It may not provide all the answers, but it will provide strength and solace.]

– How has my relationship with God changed?
[It is far stronger now than prior to my diagnosis. I pray more, I do not question “why me” but look to God for the answer to “now that it is me, what do I do next”. I think I know and I think expressed that to the classes; It is as simple as this; 1) Do something for others (research, fundraisers, etc.) and 2) Tell as many people as you can reach to be tested and continue to be tested (educate), it not a lot more difficult to figure out than that.]

Regarding these last two, they are closely related. I used the example of another man’s blog. He is a little older than I am, perhaps mid-fifties. He is going through either chemo or radiation treatments right now. His blog is the expression of how both he and his wife are dealing with cancer(they both add entries). God is not mentioned much, or at all. I’m not being judgmental here and told the class this, I am simply pointing out the fact that these two people are struggling more than my wife and I and perhaps their lack faith, prayer etc. might be the reason? It is their choice and not my, position to judge, again, it was just an observation.

One of the students asked about poetry because I have made a few attempts to include some. I wrote a lot in high school. None of it particularly good, most about infatuations, feelings, etc.. I saved it for all these years but I tried to find it all a little while back, but I’m not sure where I put it all? Perhaps it was the moment but I told them that I can’t remember any of it, except for one verse:
Life goes on,
though yours might end,
in a lover, a brother or just a friend.

Three words…..and a few more….

For some of us cancer survivors, it’s not enough when they blind side you with “You have cancer”,
they have to follow it with “…it’s worse”.

With my emotions a wreck, my heading swimming with “what if’s”, I hardly remember the conversation. It’s strange to think that it was 364 days ago because on one had it seems like yesterday, on the other it was a lifetime ago. (I know I’ve said this before).

I find myself in this really good place right now, a very comforting frame of mind. I know it won’t last forever, but I’m going to try to get the most out of it right now. One year later, and I am such a different person. You’ve heard the saying a million times, “People can’t change.”. No, it’s not easy, but put in the right situation, anyone, everyone can or will change. Certain things are far less important, others are no longer important at all. So few things become the focus of what you do, think, feel each day. It may take a situation like this, to bring life into perspective. There are many people that find themselves in similar situations or just difficult times that don’t, won’t or can’t stop to realize what’s really important. I am thankful to God to be smart enough and willing to acknowledge these things.

One year later and I find myself healthier, more aware, more optimistic, more faith filled, more at peace, and more thankful for that which is important.
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As I said many, many months ago: I didn’t get cancer, it was given to me – what follows is yet another example of the reason behind it becoming more clear.

Earlier this week the phone rang and a complete stranger was on the other end. He explained to Mary that his sister-in-law had found my Blog and passed it his way. His name is Rick, he’s 46, from Houston and he has advanced stage Prostate Cancer.

Rick was just diagnosed in late December and he was looking for someone to talk to that is in a similar stage and to nearer his age. I called Rick back later that night and we talked for over an hour. At times I think I talked too much and didn’t listen nearly enough (sorry Rick). I’m not sure how much I helped him? I hope he knows I am here, always. However, like it or not Rick, you have just been inducted into “the group” (Along with John W., Karen and others) I ask that the audience of “The Big C” add Rick and his family to their prayers. Rick, this one’s for you:

Prayer to Saint Peregrine
O great St. Peregrine, you have been called “The Mighty,” “The Wonder-Worker,” because of the numerous miracles which you have obtained from God for those who have had recourse to you.
For so many years you bore in your own flesh this cancerous disease that destroys the very fibre of our being, and who had recourse to the source of all grace when the power of man could do no more. You were favoured with the vision of Jesus coming down from His Cross to heal your affliction. Ask of God and Our Lady, the cure of the sick whom we entrust to you. (Pause here and silently recall the names of the sick for whom you are praying) Aided in this way by your powerful intercession, we shall sing to God, now and for all eternity, a song of gratitude for His great goodness and mercy.
Amen.

A point in time….

“You have cancer”, three of perhaps the most devastating words in the English language. To some, they really are devastating. To others, they become a challenge, a goal, a focal point. As you know, I fall into the latter.

Tomorrow is THE day. I was told over the phone. Not that receiving the news that way was good or bad, it’s just the way it happened. To me the news I received one week later (“it’s much worse than just Prostate Cancer”) was far harder to deal with. At this point, February 11, 2005, Mary and I had researched enough to know that if it was just PC, the cure rate had a very good success rate. Remove it, radiation, seed implants and a number of other options were available. But when the doctor said we would need to pursue this further and get a bone and CT scan it just didn’t sit right with me. I instinctively knew it was worse. The seven days that followed and the weekend after were our low point.

People say change is good. I agree, to a point. When you have a choice, change can be good but when it forced upon you, change can be hard to accept. I am not sure what makes us different than others, but we are. We have both read a lot of books and blogs by others who are going through similar situations and I pray for these people. Perhaps it’s our faith? Maybe it’s the strength of our relationship before this ever happened? Or the friends and family that surround us? It’s a combination of all of these that have made us very strong. I also believe it’s the fact that we are both very grounded in reality and we both believe in fate. If I heard her say it once, I heard it a million times over the years “everything happens for a reason”. Some of those reasons are very difficult to accept at first. We however, did not spend much time on the pity bus. I can’t recall her every saying “why you?, why us?, why now?” etc. It was more like “What now?, We have to go on!, We have to beat this!” etc.

And so year 1 comes to a close. Am I a better person? I’m certainly a different person physically, mentally and spiritually. Does that qualify for “better”? That will be for someone else to decide. That someone is going to have to wait quite a bit longer for judgment day because I plan on being here on year 2, 3 and……
20!!!

[John W., we hope everything is OK? We’re with you as you start round two on Monday!!!]

2-4-05 a lifetime ago

The weekend passed and so did milestone number two without much fanfare or conscious thought. Having a biopsy last February 4th was not really a highlight. It was a painless procedure that was over within minutes. The outcome or results of the test were obviously life altering.

On Saturday it was the usual routine; a frigid round of disc golf, basketball and Mass. Though they lost a close one, the 3rd grade boys played awesome. I love to watch my son play. Although he’s got a ways to go on other skills, he is really learning to set a pick! He’s also starting to scrap for loose balls and will definitely get in someone’s way to clear a lane to the hoop! The entire team is playing so much better as a group.

Winter is passing slowly, though we have little to complain about as the temperatures have been well above normal. Things are supposed to return to normal this week, just as I was starting to think spring had arrived early. There is no doubt that spring is my favorite season. Blooms, green grass and the many reminders of “life”. It provides a lot of hope after the dreariness of winter. I’m looking forward to planting the veggie garden and anticipating the return of tulips, hyacinth and later on roses and moonflowers.

Two milestones down, with the two big ones yet to come.

An Anniversary: Milestone 1

Today marks the first anniversary of the blog.

On February 2, 2005 I started this little journal with an entry titled,
“The start of the end?” How far things have come. That first entry was full of doubt and lacks the Faith, Hope and Love that are pushing me/us through this rocky road.

Things are good right now. We are in a place much like we were last summer. My numbers are down and we just process through each day, day after day, until the end of the month arrives. I roll up my sleeve, they pierce my skin, draw out my blood and we wait for a few days until the news arrives.

This a screwed up way to live. However, it is what it is. I want it to go away and return to my “normal” life. That is not going to happen, I know. Even if I was told “you’re cured” tomorrow, life would never be normal again. Exercise and diet and generally living a healthy life will forever be first and foremost. The days of fries, burgers and pizza are long, long gone.

The low points of this journey seem like a lifetime ago. All of the news of last February, the trip to MD Anderson and the thought of Chemo just over a month ago. The highlights however quickly overwhelm these thoughts. I am grateful for every day I am alive.

In the weeks ahead, there will be more milestones to “celebrate”? I will try to encounter each looking more forward than back. It is human nature to remember, to relive moments in the past and I promise to do my best to relive these with you by presenting a positive attitude and my eyes looking through the windshield and not the rearview mirror!

God bless you all and thanks for being passengers on my journey. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
P.S. – I decided to transition from this first year by updating the template of the blog. No significant change, the colors are different and the archives are now grouped by month.

I hope you like the changes?!!!

Celebration, clarification and confirmation.

Today I received the result of my latest blood test and my PSA number is down, way down: 0.46

No typo there, the decimal point is correctly placed!!!

The nurse made an odd comment when giving the news to me. She said that’s down a lot from 1.85 in December.

I asked her where did she get 1.85, my number was 7.4?

She said, “No I’m looking at your last test results and it shows 1.85, that’s why we decided not to proceed with Chemo”

I briefly got into a debate that she told both Mary and myself, independently, that the last number was 7.4 – I decided that I’d rather not have any rain on today’s parade and let it go…..for now.

We are both a bit concerned, how could she have mistaken “7.4” for “1.85”? I have it in my written notes, that is exactly what she said back on the 6th.

So, take a deep breath, and hold tight for 30 more days!!
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When I began this blog, and when we started FLHW, I did so for several reasons. Some of those were selfish, to give me time to reflect on things, to express myself in another manner, etc. One of the major reasons for both the blog and the foundation were to reach out and help others. Not only do I receive comments here but I receive direct email and personal notes from people. It’s the circle of life at work. I help you, you inspire me, you help me, I inspire you and on and on.

One person in particular, a complete and total stranger until about 8 weeks go is JohnW from outside of Austin, TX. He paid me a great honor today, he stroked my ego a little, but most of all he confirmed once again that I fight for many reasons – most of them aren’t about me………

a link to his blog is above, pay it a visit

We’re going to need a bigger cake..…..

It’s here, the first milestone of many over the next few weeks. Along with being the first, it is the best and certainly going to be the ony one worth celebrating.

I made it to my 43rd birthday, yippee! Besides being another year older there is much to celebrate.

I love my wife, my son and I am forever grateful for the joy and happiness that they bring every day of my life. I tell them I love them before I leave for work, I tell them I love them before we go to bed. I pray for them at night, they are my life and they are a big part of why I am still here today.

I love my family and my friends. You are there when I need you, you are there in silence, you are there in words and cards and emails and phone calls. God bless each of you.

Strangers – through this last year I have “met” so many people that I again, cannot thank enough. John W. and recently Karen; both fellow bloggers, both fellow cancer survivors, both fighters and apparently both comedians! Perhaps one day we will meet, maybe at a survivor’s event? Maybe just because…..

I thank God for all the blessings in my life; good health (it’s no so bad, I look and feel better than I ever have), family, friends, strangers and most of all for blessing me with the sense to fight this battle with Faith, Love and Hope.

I wish that……

Nothing substantial to report, we had a great weekend with family and friends. I shot three over par on Saturday morning, good enough to tie, for LAST!! The six of us were on fire, two of the guys shot their best rounds ever, 5 and 6 under par!!!
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Unable to sleep yesterday morning (hot flashes) I watched two movies that I had recorded on the DVR (aka, Tivo).

The first, “Bad Santa”, delivered exactly what I thought it would. The plot line was completely horrible, but the humor was quite funny at times, in a rather sick sense. Overall I give it a thumbs down, way down.

The second was “Rushmore” which I give just the opposite!!! From Amazon.com: The movie stars Jason Schwartzman as Max Fischer, a 15-year-old attending the prestigious Rushmore Academy on scholarship, where he’s failing all of his classes but is the superstar of the school’s extracurricular activities (head of the drama club, the beekeeper club, the fencing club…). Possessing boundless confidence and chutzpah, as well as an aura of authority he seems to have been born with, Max finds two unlikely soulmates in his permutations at Rushmore: industrial magnate and Rushmore alumnus Herman Blume (Bill Murray) and first-grade teacher Rosemary Cross (Olivia Williams). His alliance with Blume and crush on Miss Cross, however, are thrown out of kilter by his expulsion from Rushmore, and a budding romance between the two adults that threatens Max’s own designs on the lovely schoolteacher.

This is a quirky but excellent movie. The sound track is also absolutely wonderful, I particularly liked “Ooh La La” by The Faces (Rod Stewart’s old band), the song played during the closing credits. It made me think, when you are asked; “If you could go back and change this or that, would you?” or “If you could go back to high school and make different choices, would you?” The chorus really sticks with you,
“I wish that I knew what I know now, when I was younger. I wish that I knew what I know now, when I was stronger.”

The list grows…….

It’s been a week, I know. But after the ups and downs of the holidays and the early part of this month, I simply don’t feel that there is a lot to share.

Time is flying though! It’s been three weeks since my scans and my next blood test is in a week. I still feel great and continue to work out 4 to 5 times a week. My back has been much better over the last few weeks as well.

There continues to be conflicting stories on PSA tests. The most current is in regards to whether PSA tests help prevent or predict the onset of PC. Yet earlier this week, I read a story that the number of advanced PC cases per 100K had dropped from over 20 to around 7 in 2002. Here is a great source for breaking news: PC NEWS (look for the articles on Joe Thiesman and the one on hot peppers – ironically, I can’t satisfy my craving for spicy foods!)

Winter returned to KC today after a particularly balmy beginning of the year. We are expecting freezing rain and snow tonight but highs in the upper 40’s tomorrow, and yes, we will be teeing off as usual at 7:30 tomorrow morning!
Next week will mark the point where I cross over a new age marker (not sure what else to call this?). I was 42 when I was diagnosed with PC and I will be 43 when I …… beat PC? Hey – it’s my birthday, I can dream if I want to!!

Please add these folks to your prayers:
– John W. who begins Chemo next week
– Karen, a young neighbor of a friend who’s blood cancer has been deteced but has to just “watch and wait” for what she and her family (and all of us!) hope is many, many years.
– Ken, the husband of a co-worker
– Nancy F.’s brother who also has PC
– The father of our neighbor, also has PC
…and to all the rest of those inflicted with cancer.
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The patron saint of those suffering with cancer is St. Peregrine;

Born wealthy (1260), he spent a worldly youth, and became involved in politics. Peregrine was initially strongly anti-Catholic. During a popular revolt, he struck the papal peace negotiator, Saint Philip Benizi, across the face. Saint Philip calmly turned the other cheek, prayed for the youth, and Peregine converted.
He received a vision of Our Lady who told him to go to Siena, Italy, and there to join the Servites. After training and ordination, they assigned him to his home town. He lived and worked, as much as possible, in complete silence, in solitude, and without sitting down for 30 years in an attempt to do penance for his early life. When he did speak, he was known as a fervant preacher, excellent orator, and gentle confessor. Founded a Servite house at Forli.
A victim of a spreading cancer in his foot, Peregrine was scheduled for an amputation. The night before the operation, he spent in prayer; that night received a vision of Christ who healed him with a touch. The next morning, Peregrine found his cancer completely healed.

A Prayer to St. Peregrine for Sick Relatives and Friends
O great St. Peregrine, you have been called “The Mighty”, the “The Wonder Worker” because of the numerous miracles which you obtained from God for those who have turned to you in their need.
For so many years you bore in your own flesh this cancerous disease that destroys the very fiber of our being. You turned to God when the power of human beings could do no more, and you were favored with the vision of Jesus coming down from His cross to heal your affliction. I now ask God to heal these sick persons whom I entrust to you: (Here mention their names)
Aided by your powerful intercession, I shall sing with Mary a hymn of gratitude to God for His great goodness and mercy. Amen.