The pity party that is! Even though as I sit here I await the results of Tuesday’s testing I have already changed. I have decided that from now on it’s all positive thoughts. I have never been one to wallow in self pity, beat myself up with “why me?” or question “how did things get this far”. I’m not sure who or where in my life I adopted this philosophy but I have always been one to live life through the windshield and not the rearview mirror.

On the radio this morning I heard someone use a quote from Bobby Jones (the golfer) and it was this, “Play it where it lies”. That is it exactly! It doesn’t matter how you arrived in your current position or situation. Your goals lies ahead of you. Your focus needs to remain on how to get there.

And so I make this promise, to my wife, my son, my family, my friends and to whoever may be reading this; The strength to beat this lies not in my physical being but in my mind, my heart and my beliefs, I will not look back but look forward to the MANY, MANY days ahead.

By tomorrow at this time the CAT scan and the bone scan will be complete. I’m nervous, scared, petrified etc. Not at all about the tests, again, it’s the results of the tests that have me concerned.

Today is Valentines Day, it’s hard to be positive and put on a good face. I’ll try my best tonight, I love her so much, she is more responsible for the good things and success in my life than she knows. There is no telling what would have become of me if she had not come into my life.

Instant thought: Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee. Blessed art thou amongst women and blessed is the fruit of thy womb Jesus. Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of our death. Amen.

Not such a bad day…..
1) Played disc golf, I got my first HOLE IN ONE!!!!
A rather short but perplexing down hill shot. It was freakin’ awesome. And there is nothing funnier than three forty something guys jumping around in the snow high five-ing each other! Thanks Pete and Rob it was sooooo cool!

2) Brad had his last 3 on 3 basketball game. He’s not much of a shooter but he can play pretty darn good defense. They won again, but “they don’t keep score”.

3) Rich, Mike, Brad and I went to the Kansas vs Colorado basketball game. Brad’s first, KU clobbered them by 29.

I told my dad this morning and then called the siblings earlier tonight…..no tears but a lot of shock.

I’m not going down without a fight but God I don’t want to die.

Instant thoughts: I love spring and glad it is almost here.

My phone jsut rang, it was the doctor…..I’ve got it.
There apparently is a scale they use to grade cell degradation..
(http://www.prostateinfo.com/patient/tests/gleason.asp)
For me it’s a 7 on the right side and an 8 on the left. Next step, and CAT scan and bone scan ASAP next week.

I’m sitting at my desk, trying not to cry while at the same time trying to figure out how to say even a word to my boss without breaking down…..I’m outta here….more next time.

INSTANT THOUGHT: I don’t want to die, this is harder than I even expected, pray for me.

So I’m driving home from work today, bumper to bumper traffic and my cell phone rings. It’s my primary Dr., just checking in to see if I had the results of the biopsy. Nice touch…..just goes to show their not ALL bad. Just kidding doc, I can’t imagine modern medicine as primary care physician? Like a factory, next, next, next…..he’s a good guy though, as much as I can tell from the usual 5-10 minute visits.
I hope they call tomorrow, I don’t think I can last another weekend without knowing.
And on this upbeat note (finally, huh?!) I am taking the boy to see KU vs Colorado this weekend in Lawrence (thanks Rich). He’s never seen a live basketball game…should be a great time!

New item I’ll try to capture thinking about; Peter, disk golf, Doug, Dan, I love Mary, not really tired yet, work bites right now, night John Boy

Another day passes by, still no answer. I called the Dr.’s office an hour and a half ago to check. The nurse said the lab had not sent the results back yet, but she would check on them. I’m not holding my breath waiting for that call.

What a paradox, I’ve grown impatient waiting for an answer to a question that might in the end mean death! How ironic is that! “Hurry up and f*&^ing kill me!”

Though I’m not having problems sleeping at this point, I am finding it difficult to initially fall asleep each night. The number and intensity of thoughts racing through my mind as I lie down seem to be increasing exponentially.

We experienced a snow storm yesterday, it was somewhat mild 3-5 inch range. Not to bore you with a weather update but my point in mentioning it was that when I went to bed last night it was extremely bright out. As I tried to calm myself enough to sleep I was able to look over and clearly see my sons face as if the lights were almost on. I couldn’t help but wonder “how in the world is he going to grow up without a father in his life?”. I was also struck with the thought of “How will she handle the pressure of being a young widow and raise him alone?” Needless to say my sleep was restless…..

As I write this it brings this thought to mind……”How do I approach this with a positive attitude?”

It’s Ash Wednesday…….

And so another day is well underway. No update on the test results.

So what will it be like when the phone rings and the doctor tells me the results? If it is an infection, who cares what my reaction is! However, if it is worse…will I break down on the spot? Will I keep a stiff upper lip and be strong like usual? How will I tell my wife? My family? My friends?

What comes next? Surgery and the risks associated? Chemotherapy or radiation
losing my hair? Weight loss? Physical sickness?

I wish this would have never happened, I really wish the phone would ring……

At this point I haven’t shared what was going on with many people….what’s the point until we know. I did tell me brother on Friday. We were talking on the phone, it had been a few weeks since we had spoken, it just seemed like the right thing to do at the time.

My dad doesn’t know. He’s 73 and had prostate cancer about 5 or so years back. I just can’t tell him yet.

We did have a good weekend though, mostly due to the distraction of disc golf, basketball games, camps, a church dinner/auction, cub scout events and the Super Bowl. But now it is back to rat race and moments like this when I am almost forced to stop and think and worry…..

God I love my wife dearly. Do I tell her enough? I hope she knows how much she means to me, how much I owe her

for making me the person I am today.

tick, tick, tick, tick……………….

Yesterday at this time I was preparing for the biopsy. Though not painful, it was an uncomfortable process. It only takes about 10-15 minutes.

Dr. Davis is a good guy, excellent bedside manner. Consoling, comforting etc.

So now the hard part begins….waiting for the test results….it could be up to five days. The good news would be an infection treatable with medication. The bad news would be prostate cancer and perhaps worse if it is advanced and has spread.

And so begins a weekend of putting on a fake smile and trying to carry on….and countinuing
to pray…..