As a follow up to the article that was published last June, the editors of 435 South Magazine asked John and I to film a little chat session that they plan to use on their website.
This was filmed sometime last September. It was completely unrehearsed and our one and only take. Let me know you think!
I’m not sure if I have, or even should share the following? I figure, what the heck.
As we sat in Mass on Sunday and prayed, I stopped to think what I really was asking God for when I pray.
I don’t ask for a cure to this disease, should I? Would that be selfish?
Mostly, I pray for time. I pray for good test results. I pray for happiness.
Next Monday is huge. Monday we will find out if re-starting Keto has helped. If not, we move on, but the options are not very encouraging.
The good news is that I feel great and would guess it is working, but we’ve been disappointed before, so I try not to get to excited. As Mary has put it, we are cautiously optimistic.
So I conclude with this:
God, give me strength
Allow me happiness in he midst of turmoil,
Provide me more time,
And the sense to know how to use it properly
In Jesus name,
Amen
This morning I woke at 1:30, just three hours after falling asleep. When I say I woke, I don’t mean I simply rolled over, I was wide awake.
As I began to curse the Dex (Decadron) this one hit wonder, from the early days of MTV came to mind.:
www.youtube.com/watch?v=7z9bPrUark4
“Come On Eileen” by Dexys Midnight Runners was the biggest-selling British single of 1982. Remember when MTV actually played videos?! It’s funny how your mind works……funny or frightening!
So, what is one to do at 1:30am? I didn’t want to turn on the television and wake Mary or turn on a light to read for the same reason. So I reached for my iPod and began to watch “The Wire” – www.hbo.com/thewire My brother Dan told me about this show months ago but I wanted to start with season 1. In anticipation of last night, I used my Fathers Day gift and purchased the first season from iTunes over the weekend. This is great television; a cop show set in Baltimore that is “gritty, tough. real”!
By 4:30 I had watched the first two and a half episodes and thought I better try to get some sleep. I got two.
In early 2006, Mary and I spoke to a man named Rick from Houston. We have no idea how or where he found our phone number and frankly it make no difference. Rick was 46 at the time and had recently been diagnosed with advanced prostate cancer.
Well, it’s another holiday weekend and another brother has been taken.
Rick’s Obituary
I wrote of Rick here on a few occasions:
http://flhw.ddmpreview.com/three-words-and-a-few-more/
[note the last comment]
and
http://flhw.ddmpreview.com/euro-trip-716-17/
Today’s tears seem to contain more bitterness. They also seem to last a bit longer.
The tears and the hurt and sadness they represent sting more than previous losses.
Why? Perhaps the onset of chemo (14 days from today)?
God, please stop the madness…..
Prayer to Saint Peregrine ~ Patron Saint to cancer patients
O great St. Peregrine,
you have been called “The Mighty,”
“The Wonder-Worker,”
because of the numerous miracles
which you have obtained from God
for those who have had recourse to you.
For so many years
you bore in your own flesh
this cancerous disease
that destroys the very fiber of our being,
and who had recourse
to the source of all grace
when the power of man could do no more.
You were favored with the vision of Jesus
coming down from His Cross
to heal your affliction.
Ask of God and Our Lady,
the cure of the sick whom we entrust to you.
(Pause here and silently recall the names of the sick for whom you are praying)
Aided in this way by your powerful intercession,
we shall sing to God,
now and for all eternity,
a song of gratitude
for His great goodness and mercy.
Amen.
Back in December I wrote about the passing of Dan Fogelberg.
Jean, the widow of Dan Fogelberg, has teamed up with the Prostate Cancer Foundation to raise money for prostate cancer research. A new song that Dan recorded back in 2005 is available. 100% of the proceeds will be donated to the PCF.
Details are available here
I have downloaded ‘Sometimes a Song’, and it’s pretty good, I encourage you to do so as well.
I’m tired, side effects of this cold I have been fighting for a week or more.
I am also tired because of ‘this’.
Something that is rarely discussed by me, here, or on the prostate cancer message boards is
the mental and emotional strain of dealing with PCa. It’s constant. I can’t express the word CONSTANT enough.
I, we, have done a good job of living our lives in spite of the anvil that constantly hangs above our world. Now however, with a large decision looming, the anvil, and the strain of keeping it levitated increase at exponential rates.
I always have to add this so my words are not misinterpreted, I am not depressed. What I am pointing out here is simply this, you and I are different. You who live ‘normal’ lives, lives without cancer, get through your day differently than I do. Your conscious thoughts, those things that you think about in between the important aspects of your life, those thoughts are far different for me, than you. In those down moments you are like I was when I led a normal life. You think and wonder about what to do tonight or this weekend? Maybe you spend time thinking about simple things, regardless my thoughts at these times are ALWAYS about PCa. What does the rise in my PSA mean? What will it be on the 28th? Then what? And after deciding ‘then what’, will it work? etc. and so on…..it’s really a #*^@ed-up way to get through the day.
But I go on, because I must…..for her, for him…..and sometimes….for me.
Dan Fogelberg, a popular singer/songwriter of the ’70s and ’80s, died Sunday, at home in Maine at the age 56. He had battled advanced prostate cancer since being diagnosed in 2004.
I was never a huge fan, although I did like most of his music. My favorite song was his most popular, “Leader of the Band”, which was a a tribute to his father.
“Leader Of The Band” – Dan Fogelberg
An only child alone and wild, a cabinet-maker’s son
His hands were meant for different work and his heart was known to none
He left his home and went his lone and solitary way
He gave to me a gift I know I never can repay
A quiet man of music, denied a simpler fate
He tried to be a soldier once, but his music wouldn’t wait
He earned his love through discipline, a thund’ring velvet hand
His gentle means of sculpting souls took me years to understand
The leader of the band is tired & his eyes are growing old
But his blood runs thru my instrument & his song is in my soul
My life has been a poor attempt to imitate the man
I’m just a living legacy to the leader of the band
My brother’s lives were different, for they heard another call
One went to Chicago, another to St. Paul
And I’m in Colorado when I’m not in some motel
Living out this life I chose and have come to know so well
I thank you for the music and your stories of the road
I thank you for the freedom when it came my time to go
I thank you for the kindness and the times when you got tough
And, Papa, I don’t think I’ve said “I love you” near enough
The family and I watched a wonderful TV movie last night, “Pictures of Hollis Woods“, a Hallmark Hall of Fame production. For as many times as I complain about the garbage on TV, this was a beautiful story. There is nothing that can be compared to lounging on the sofa and crying with your family (the good kind of crying). It’s available on DVD, I’d recommend it to all.
I spent last week at a training class in Atlanta. It was without doubt, the best training class I have ever participated in. I left with a different perspective on communication, body language and getting a message across to a group. I could go on and on, but will just end it there.
However, on my way to Atlanta, my mind was obviously in a far different place as reflected in this poem. Please don’t read anything into this – I’m fine, feeling fine, looking marvelous (a joke, a Billy Crystal reference)….
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
No More Colors
(12/4/07)
What if your life changed,
things you loved,
and perhaps at times,
took for granted,
suddenly meant nothing?
What if just living,
breathing, getting through
another grey day, was
as much as you could,
find strength for?
What if the sun set,
on everything you knew,
and cherished,
Only to rise the next day,
without color,
without the brilliance or colors of God?
A life of cloud covered sky’s,
one without color,
without the beauty you
had come to accept as truth,
What if your eyes only saw black, white and grey?
